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Dearest daughter. What would you like to be?
an artist, singer, gymnast, play timpani?
The world has a fee and your past does too
Your papa walked frigid Russia daily
Until his ligaments were so achy
 become an engineer, provide for us
yet you so sneer at education dear
we then moved here despite our polar hearts
we haven't gone far for you to not go far 
you keep saying "dancer" and not "doctor"
why dont you understand from where you came!
Dancers crushed by critics and taxes the same
need listen to papa.  He says " dont sleep"
dreams meant for 6 hours of the 24 a day
please Luba stop sleep walking life away

Comments

  1. Professor MillerApril 14, 2018 at 2:05 PM

    At first I thought this was a sonnet, but I see now it is 13 lines with variable rhymes. Nevertheless, this has the feel of a sonnet, and it enjoys some of a sonnet's compression and musicality.

    I like the idea here. As I read it, this is a dramatic monologue from the point of view of a concerned mother, worried about what she sees as her daughter's wayward and impractical outlook on life. That's a clever and relatable set-up for a poem, and I think your speaking voice works well here.

    I have mixed feelings about the irregularity of the rhyme scheme. The poem seems to set us up for a rhyming poem, but the middle part doesn't rhyme consistently, while the beginning and the end do. In your current draft, this feels a bit accidental to me. I don't see the larger purpose for beginning and ending a poem in strict form, while doing something different in the middle, especially in a short, 13-line poem.

    I don't understand what "papa" means by "nee spee." That totally baffles me. I also did understand why this line seems unfinished: "We havent come here for you to be a..." Are you still looking for the right word?

    I thought the reference to a "yogi" in line two to be a little out of the way. "Yogi" seems chosen just for the rhyme, because almost no one really becomes one in modern life. But why choose this word for the rhyme if you are not going to rhyme consistently anyway? I was puzzled by that choice.

    I do like the compression here, and I really like the set up of the poem's address from mother to child, but some of the specific lines confuse me or seem a bit off. I hope these comments help!

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  2. UnknownApril 22, 2018 at 9:18 AM

    Wow, these lines are so smart. First of all, there's a beautiful musicality to the poem, even if the rhyme scheme could be slightly more consistent. The opening is so rhythmic:
    "Dearest daughter. What would you like to be? an artist, singer, gymnast, play timpani?" This almost sounds like the beat of a timpani. It also paves the way for irony, since this seems kind of sarcastic once we realize the speaker, the Russian mother, isn't really giving her daughter the freedom to choose.

    The idea of the world and the past having a fee works so well with the mindset this mother is trying to get across. The wording is a little clumsy, maybe tighten it a bit? Like "The world has a fee. To pay off your past" or something

    I was caught a little off guard when it switched to papa walking frigid Russia, the sounds and the imagery weren't what I was expecting, but I actually like that after reading more, since that seems to kind of be the point. Even if the papa's brutal past doesn't seem relevant to what we're talking about, somehow it always comes back to that. She wants to be a dancer -- somehow that's an offense to everything her papa worked for.

    I really like the creative ways you continue this theme, even though she's really just elaborating on lines 3 and 4 the whole time. Achy ligaments, "become an engineer, provide for us", sneering at education (and that placement of dear adds some great voice), polar hearts...

    I really like the idea of "we haven't gone far for you to not go far", but there might be a way to neaten that up. Maybe something like "to travel this far for you to stand still".

    I also like your contrasting "dancer" and "doctor" -- that's really smart and helps me understand exactly what you're talking about. And the sounds are nice too

    The imagery of "Dancers crushed by critics and taxes the same" is really effective, and a creative way to say it. It seems like she's trying different ways to dissuade her daughter from pursuing her dreams: 1) maybe you won't be successful. 2) even if you are, you'll never be successful enough

    Some of the clunkier language may even be ok, since it sounds like we're talking about non-native English speakers. Your call :)

    The title is clever now that I get the poem, but the tone might not match the poem so well...maybe it should be something a little more serious?

    Either way, I really like this poem -- great ideas pretty well executed.

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  3. Shoshana RozenbergApril 24, 2018 at 6:33 PM

    This is a really great concept. Its stereotypical Jew from the older generation wanting his child to be a doctor or a lawyer. I feel like the child in this scenario is more representative of the pressures our parents grew up with but its also something that can span multiple generations. I really like the voice of the mother hear understanding the passion of the child but also the pragmatism and desire of the father.
    " nee spee" - I dont understand what this means.
    I really like the wording in the poem but i feel like "achy" has a juvenile ring to it that doesnt flow so well. Really enjoyable overall!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Gabriella Englander May 2, 2018 at 5:05 PM

    This is a beautiful, heartfelt poem in which a Russian mother expresses her hopes and worries over her daughter's future, in the context of how much she and her husband sacrificed for their daughter. Such sincere, meaning-filled material.
    Some suggestions:
    "an artist, singer, gymnast, play timpani?" - since the first occupations are nouns, perhaps switch "play timpani" to a noun, "a player of timpani."
    "Until his ligaments were so achy" - "achy" sounded too silly for this serious subject matter. Maybe switch the previous sentence around so that the last word "daily" is replaced with another word that has more suitable words that rhyme.
    "become an engineer, provide for us" - this verse sounded a bit awkward - perhaps rephrase it as \
    "slaving as an engineer to provide for us."
    "yet you so sneer at education dear" - consider adding in commas to clarify the pauses - "yet, you so sneer at education, dear."
    "we then moved here despite our polar hearts" - I liked how "here" rhymes with "dear" in the previous verse.
    "we haven't gone far for you to not go far" - what a powerful line. Perhaps switch "to not go far" to the less-awkward-sounding "not to go far."
    "you keep saying "dancer" and not "doctor" - perhaps delete "and," the line reads faster and cleaner that way.
    "why dont you understand from where you came!" - insert apostrophe in "dont" :)
    "Dancers crushed by critics and taxes the same
    need listen to papa." Perhaps put this line in quotations since it sounds like how a Russian immigrant would speak directly, and we want to recognize that this verse is demonstrating broken english and not a grammar mistake.
    "dreams meant for 6 hours of the 24 a day" - perhaps reword as "6 out of the 24 hours a day."
    "please Luba stop sleep walking life away" - also insert commas and a hyphen here. "please Luba, stop sleep-walking life away."
    Beautiful poem. I'm impressed with the sincerity that comes through in this poem.

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