Queen bee(tch)
Success is my inspired oxygen.
to become “a real professional”.
Dad told me to be.
solidified within the wax of king bee
solidified within the wax of king bee
I was taught
that a woman’s work
lies in how many jars of gold honey she can bring home,
at once nursing her children,
with her seventh rake earning a degree.
with her seventh rake earning a degree.
Society will deem you worthless
without all three.
with combs , shell pollinate everyones lunch
because his two wings are flying high lightly
only weighed down slightly, by a packed lunch
I can tell this is a very clever and original poem, and the sarcastic tone came through to me; however, I don't understand the beginning part.
ReplyDelete"Success is my inspired oxygen" - oxygen can't be inspired. Do you mean "is my inspiration, my oxygen"?
"However, not for me." But you just said that it was in the first line?
"Just to become “a real professional”./ Dad told me to be."- I realize this is a clause but I don't understand how it connects to the verse directly above or below. And, by the way, all punctuation marks usually go inside the quotation marks.
If there is a period after "Dad told me to be.," then shouldn't the first letter of the first word (solidified) of the next line be capitalized? I only point this out because you do capitalize the first letter of other first words.
"solidified within the wax of king bee" - I love the imagery.
I understand the rest of the poem as a woman expressing frustration over how much more work she does than men. The wing metaphor was fantastic and witty. I am very impressed.
"she’ll pollinate lunch" - such a good use of the bee metaphor.
I didn't understand the title, though it is a very clever play on words. The title seems to imply a negative attitude towards the speaker, but isn't the whole point of the poem to portray the speaker's side of the story? Doesn't the poem content paint the speaker in a positive light by showing how much she accomplishes?
Good job.
This poem is clever and interesting. I like the line, "with her seventh wing earning a degree." I like the zeroing in on a very specific character's thoughts that speak to a larger truth about inequality and double standards. A few of the lines are a bit unwieldy, like "lies in how many jars of gold honey she can bring home," "simultaneously lending milk to her children" -- maybe there's a way to tighten them or choose some smaller words? This poem is really successful in conveying strong images and feelings in a way that's concise and funny
ReplyDeleteI was a bit confused by the contradiction of "success is my inspired oxygen"and then "not for me." Is it that the success is not for the speaker's own behalf (i.e. it's for the sake of society/parental expectations/supposed to be shared with spouse and kids etc...), or not the speaker's own choice, or not something the speaker will do...
ReplyDeleteI was also curious about the word choice "lending" milk--is it meant to be returned?
I found the first line really strong --fresh, unusual language, very effective...I'm torn about oxygen being able to be "inspired" but feel inclined to invoke poetic license in this case because I like the way it sounds.
I like the sarcasm/irony of the last two lines...after detailing how busy the speaker is...the "king bee" is somehow much too busy to help her
I found the poem clever and sarcastic, with an effective metaphor that balances nicely between the metaphor of the bee and the "real life" of a society's demands and expectations on the modern woman.
"Success is my inspired oxygen" - Cool! I like this line a lot, especially the way it sounds. However, it is odd that the next line seems to contradict this line, "However, not for me" - but you said it was "my" inspired oxygen. Perhaps lose the word "my?"
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I like the way you use bees to make a bigger statement about people and humanity in general. The extended metaphor works nicely.
"solidified within the wax of king bee" - this is a nice musical line. I like the alliteration of "Within the Wax."
I would not have ended with the (...) - I think there is room for a stronger ending.
"Success is my inspired oxygen."
ReplyDeletei LOVE this opening. it is both vague enough to not hit you over the head w meaning but still mostly clear in its intent
"to become “a real professional”.
Dad told me to be."
im confused by the periods at the end of each of these lines. are they supposed to flow into each other or are they stand alone phrases bc if its the latter im kind of confused
"solidified within the wax of king bee"
this is a great image but it also confuses me bc the implication of the image isnt clear; what is solidifed within the wax? this confusion is also added to bc there arent king bees so im just not clear what im supposed to understand from these phrases
"I was taught"
maybe a stanza break before this line? bc the thought process is changing
"that a woman’s work
lies in how many jars of gold honey she can bring home,
at once nursing her children,
with her seventh rake earning a degree."
i really love the extended metaphor throughout this poem and especially your using honey to symbolize money as it is the literal gold bees get as the fruit of their labors. confusion based question: what is a seventh rake? maybe use a phrase a bit more clear?
"Society will deem you worthless
without all three.
with combs , shell pollinate everyones lunch"
just a grammatical thing - everyone's should have an apostrophe. also what is the image im supposed to see from the combs? i assume its honey combs and not hair combs but i dont get how its connected to the making of lunches for her family
"because his two wings are flying high lightly
only weighed down slightly, by a packed lunch"
This is a really strong closing showing the double standard between the man and women in this societal dynamic. i would suggest nixing the word "lightly" bc the next line implies his load is light bc its "only weight down slightly"
overall this poem is gorgeous and a beautiful display of extended metaphor. i love the parallels you draw between the mothers standing in a home and the queen bees in a hive and the metaphors just seem to interweave so beautifully with the message. The only major thing im left wondering is where the "bee(tch)" aspect comes in? i see the bee part but not so much the b*tch aspect that is implied in the title.
overall this is a beautiful poem with really strong content and a poignant message
Cool poem!
ReplyDeleteThe infrequent use of periods throw me off and make for interesting line breaks.
Love the opening line, as you crave success just as much as you need oxygen- I like the parallel.
Bees are also a cool metaphor to use for the point you are trying to make.
I was a little confused by the ending, so maybe you would like to consider creating a stronger ending.
"with combs , shell pollinate everyones lunch" - I like this comparison between the bee making honey and the mom making lunch for his kids. Clever poem.