Free The Collarbone
Clothes ripped off,
all but what covers the collarbone
and to the knee.
all but what covers the collarbone
and to the knee.
Left hand taken
My thoughts G-d forsaken
Right hand feels attatched
latched so that I could daven the Shema.
My thoughts G-d forsaken
Right hand feels attatched
latched so that I could daven the Shema.
Smokey eyeliner is smudged-
Away.
Eyes seized.
Now all I see is G-d?
Now all I see is G-d?
Stethoscopes embezzled, traded for an apron
Israeli Independence Day, a devil just like me
Fellow student, Malka must supervise me
Its custom to sleep in skirts nightly
Its custom to sleep in skirts nightly
I hear a girl scream.
I think it’s in prayer.
Malka's praying hard.
no one finds out she is pregnant
Two weeks pass. She is no longer pregnant.
She is still praying hard.
She is still praying hard.
I guess G-d whispered in her ear-
"I take it back"
What are you looking at? She snarks
Nothing. Remember I can no longer see.
This is a very interesting poem. I like how slowly, another part of your body is being taken from you, just like your freedom to be yourself. When you mentioned that a religious girl was pregnant (assuming out of wedlock), and then gets an abortion is a really powerful statement. It shows the extent of how people can feel so unfree with themselves, and make choices based on other's ideas and perceptions of the situation. I think the language is a bit messy, and could be replaced by other words which would make the poem much more powerful. Good job.
ReplyDeleteEach image that is depicted here is so beautiful and poignant. I think, though, that there is some confusing phrasing and word choice or vagueness that throws off its beauty because it makes it more difficult to make out what is happening until the end. Each image and the general flow and structure is great i think it juts needs to neatening and tightening.
ReplyDeleteWow, the emotion behind this poem is so real and fiery. I really appreciate what you're working at conveying. Some of the lines here were just chilling, like "I hear a girl scream. I think it's in prayer." Maybe cleaning up some of the longer lines could help to harvest more of that throughout the poem. This is really cool
ReplyDeleteWow, that is a very provocative first line.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone before me who suggested cleaning up some of the lines.
I did find the narrative a bit disjointed. I had to read it a few times to get it. I'll write out what I think is going on in the poem: The loss of body parts is a metaphor for losing your identity, individuality, freedom, until all you have left are the parts synonymous with Jewish worship (stronger hand for shema, torso for being tznius). You were forced to change your career to homemaking, you were prevented from wearing expressive smoky eyeliner, dissuaded from celebrating Yom Ha'Atzmaut (which you also use as a metaphor for freedom, the celebration of Israeli independence), and the you were hypocritically supervised fro your rebellious behavior by another rebellious girl (wow!).
Maybe taking out some of the auxiliary verbs (is, are), and other connecting words (the, and), will clear up the narrative.
Side note: I don't understand, though, why you lost your left brain. What does that represent in Jewish practice, unless you are simply metaphorically expressing how much of you is being restrained, even one half of your brain.
Overall, I think the poem expresses some very powerful, serious ideas of individuality. It makes the reader think. I do like the straightforward, blunt tone. It fits with the subject matter. Well done.
There are some great comments here, Gabriella, and I am sure that Rachel appreciates the thought and effort you put in here, but it would be even better if we all didn't assume that the "I" in the poem is the same as the poet. I realize others have been doing this too, and I don't mean to pick on you, but it's better to refer to the "speaker" in the poem.
DeleteYou are completely right. Thank you for pointing that out. It's ok :) I don't mind being "picked on" in this scenario. I appreciate it actually.
DeleteThis was a really powerful and surreal metaphor--loss of self-identity as a sort of cannibalization, a cataloging of limbs.
ReplyDeleteReally strong beginning--compelling paradox of clothes being "ripped off" but still covering collarbone to knee--it's intriguing, and also establishes the metaphorical nature of the imagery.
Maybe a line break after collarbone? The line feels long for no reason, and splitting it emphasizes the two lines as two distinct kind of dress code requirements.
I think it might be interesting, once you start talking about the right hand, to introduce the antagonist--i.e. "they left it so I could daven the Shema"--maybe because "left" as a verb feels a bit weak on its own, but also because I think it might be interesting, and up the tension, to tease out the assumed antagonist. Or combine the two lines into "my right hand they left so I could daven the shema."
I wouldn't put "away" on its own line (though I understand you are making the leap from simply "smudged" to "smudged away"
It might be more interesting to keep it a bit vague--just to write "Malka must supervise me"--and not give us the extra background detail of "fellow student." (I'm tempted to suggest "keep an eye on me," but that might be overkill).
(Also, it's not its, and I think nightly is implied by the sleeping)
"Left has left" might be too repetitive of the same sounds.
"I hear a girl scream. I think it's in prayer"--I agree, terrifyingly vague and definitely sinister.
I would put "two weeks pass" and "she is no longer pregnant" on two separate lines.
Really great concluding line--ties back to the earlier imagery, but in a way that is not at all repetitive
I love the title of this poem, "Free the Collarbone", because it gives off a very strong and controversial tone within a religious world where there are many restrictions-- which often strip an individual from feeling free. I don't really understand the "Smokey eyeliner smudged- Away." lines. It seems to need some clarification. The person wearing the "Smokey eyeliner" is the one who is hiding from G-d-- not vice- versa. All G-d sees is how the person presents herself in front of him. If the make-up is off, the face that has been concealed-- is now being revealed to G-d. You could see G-d all along, because G-d doesn't coverup. I appreciate the poke at extremism as I read through the descriptive language written. The femininity; which seems to be the subject of the poem-- is spoken about in a great way. It touches upon sensitive subjects where women are usually degraded in a society; especially a religious one. Great Poem!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the depth in this poem and I like the parallel between self expression and your Jewish references that strike a controversial flame. I was a little confused as to what's going on in the poem. Perhaps it would be helpful to break it up in different stanzas with each stanza a different theme, or a clear progression of the poem.
ReplyDeleteThe really exciting thing about this poem is the swiftness and confidence suggested by the poem's pace and by its gaps between lines. These are rich gaps--the kind that readers want to fill, because they are so suggestive. For example, this sequence:
ReplyDeleteNow all I see is G-d?
Stethoscopes embezzled, traded for an apron
Israeli Independence Day, a devil just like me
In three lines, you suggest first purity, then some kind of loss of work identity into family life, into what I think is fear of Antisemitism. Even if I am off in some of the meaning, the rapid pace here is exciting.
I also really like the ending, which carries a powerful emotional punch:
Malka's praying hard.
no one finds out she is pregnant
Two weeks pass. She is no longer pregnant.
The reason this is so effective is your understatement and trust in the reader to get the meaning. You do not explain, and so the meaning pops to life in our minds as we move through the lines. I had an idea, though. What if you followed up this part "Two weeks pass. She is no longer pregnant." with something like this "She is still praying hard." Just an idea. Not sure if this is where you want the poem to go.
I have a harder time connecting with some of the earlier moments in the poem and don't grasp the clothing metaphor, except perhaps as an allusion to some kind of search for purity? Not sure.