I Am Not a 50
A trickle of sweat leaves my forehead.
My knuckles are clenched.
My manicured nails leave five little marks in my hand.
My manicured nails leave five little marks in my hand.
Sarah screams “the low is a 50”.
My heart races, the room is blurry.
Everything I hear has these awkward
vibrations.
The wind slightly
chokes me making it even harder to breathe.
“Let me check your grade for you. You will be
calm then”.
"No".
Running to my room, the walls seem blank.
My heart beats in my chest
like a fast beating timpani that refuses to be halted.
like a fast beating timpani that refuses to be halted.
My breath is short
like an accompanying instrument.
Thump.
like an accompanying instrument.
Thump.
I start to think of alternatives if I had
indeed failed the course.
Thump.
Thump.
Medicine being out of the question makes me
shiver in disbelief.
Thump.
Maybe, I'll be a rich housewife
Thump
Thump.
Maybe, I'll be a rich housewife
Thump
I am safe.
I am not a 50.
But neither
is she.
The feelings you portrayed in this poem are totally relatable.
ReplyDeleteI would consider removing the first line so as to show rather than tell about the anxiety. You wrote "It was like I was learning a new language./Like everything I heard had these awkward vibrations." You might want to remove one of these lines. It's like you're trying to tell me exactly what you felt. Sometimes it's better to let the reader deduce what to feel.
I really like how you set up what was going on around you, and you felt in that moment: the rain, and the conversations being washed away. Although, I do think that you could have combined some of the sensations that you were feeling to make it more interesting. For example, instead of saying, "My heart raced, the room now seemed blurry as did all the conversation around me," Maybe you could have said, "My heart beat was so fast, that it made all the conversation around me inaudible. everything was blurry." That was just me thinking out loud, could be written better. I also like the last 3 lines a lot. They are very simple, but capture the meaning of the poem perfectly.
ReplyDeleteYou convey the anxiety and emotions racing around your head extremely well. I felt like I was anticipating receiving a failing grade as the poem continued. I think that some punctuation issues make certain lines a little hard to understand but your line breaks are still really well done. The way you used the coloring of the lines is extremely interesting and compels me to try and understand the nuanced meanings of those lines. I think the way that some of the lines are written in a passive voice and some are written in an active voice is a little awkward but overall, very powerful and relatable piece!
ReplyDeleteAh, I'm freaking out as I read this! Good job making this so real! Super relatable. I agree with above comments, maybe switch passive voice ("my knuckles are clenched"--> "Knuckles clench", etc)- but up to your creative discretion. I think it also might be powerful to change simile to metaphor- "my heart like a fast timpani--> my heart is a fast timpani", especially since there are two similes in a row. I really like the auditory repetition of "thump"- it takes us close enough that we can hear your heartbeat. I also like the end- that in the fierce competition, you're always comparing yourself to others. It leaves the reader with the imperfect relief that you feel- great piece!
ReplyDeleteAgreed about switching from passive to active tense. Active tense should be the "default" tense, as passive tense is wordier and less direct.
DeleteI love the imagery that you set up with the poem. My favorite line has to be with the manicured fingernails making little dents in the hand - it's something so small and yet every girl has gone through that moment when the stress becomes too much to bear. I also love the ending where you say that you understand that you're not a 50 and yet the other girl isn't either - it's like showing the two sides of people getting their grades back. There's one group of people that don't care about getting a 50 and accept it while the other freaks out over it. Great job Rachel!
ReplyDeleteI so feel this! I've so been that person who was so sure that the "low of 50" was me and my whole world was collapsing. You really skillfully portray the anxiety surrounding grades and school! Because your writing is so effective, I would suggest removing the line "The rain trickles down the window pane like the tear that can no longer be held leaves my eye and hits my flushed cheek." and " You will be calm then”. They seem a bit superfluous considering your strong description. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very "Stern" poem.
ReplyDeleteI like this poem, but I wonder if it takes itself a little too seriously. This seems like the kind of poem where a little humor might help. After all, while no one likes getting a bad grade, no one in the poem did. It feels like a little humor might help make the poem more realistic and enjoyable and balance the extremely dire tone.
I recommend you remove the tears. Lots of tears in this week's poems. But tears are the easy way out. They almost never work in poetry, evoking pity rather than sorrow. This line needs to go, in my view: "The rain trickles down the window pane like the tear that can no longer be held leaves my eye." Comparing tears to rain is a cliche in poetry.
In fact, I would like to challenge you to a semester of crying-free poetry. If you can learn to express sadness, grief, and other emotions without resorting to tears, you will have learned a valuable thing about poetry: implying deep emotions works better than showing people with tears in their eyes.
It seems like you have the ability to choose relatable scenes for your poetry. That's great. Now lets slow down, work on more poetic and less prosey lines and choosing our words with precision and care. You can do it!